The two major problems with Stevie G

Posted by Rushian on February 22, 2005, 02:32:23 PM

... are that he's a young scouser and from South Liverpool. This results in him being a depressive sod 99% of the time and giving downbeat interviews that could have been directed by Mike Leigh. Quite simply genetics and geography have turned him into a miserabilist.

Firstly the age thing - scousers for generations have been known as friendly, warm, garrulous  people with a great sense of humour. They've been the pinnacle of the Lancashire spirit which saw music halls earlier in the century, then TV later, dominated by comedians from the north west and Liverpool in particular. In contrast there's never been a comedian from Yorkshire - a cold county full of cold humourless people.

However the Nova-Scouser (TM pending) is dour, cynical and taciturn with a permanent scowl on their face*. Gerrard is merely a product of this generation. Its King. No longer is it considered the done thing to crack a joke, smile or be positive among the New Scouse Generation.

Stevie's other problem is he's from South Liverpool and this exacerbates the situation. Eh, hang on he's from Huyton I hear you say, wasn't he born in Whiston hospital. Surely that's central/east Liverpool? Yes, very true, but Huyton has always been the refugee camp for those escaping South Liverpool in the same way that Kirkby is populated by those fleeing North Liverpool. Different tribes. And as we all know North Liverpolitans have always been far funnier (and harder by the way) than South Liverpolitans. Kirkbyites are jocular, hopeful people as a result. Huytonites the opposite.

If you plot cheerfulness on a graph with age on the x axis and south Liverpool at 0 and North Liverpool at 10 on the y axis you'll find Stevie G is fighting overwhelming odds in an attempt to smile. In contrast the theory suggests that Jamie Carragher, Bootle boy born and bred, should come out beaming. And practice shows he does - he's well known as the squad's joker and you'll never find him suggesting we can't win a trophy. His pint is always three quarters full. And look at Carra's Dad who not only has North Liverpool but age in his favour. Last week he fought to get back into an England friendly. That's a work of comedic genius.

So next time you see a Stevie G interview and start to despair, just remember everything has conspired against him. And that the only solution is for the club doctor to prescribe him prozac.

*it's been postulated that this may be a result of the importation of infant milk formulae from the Nestle factory in York from the late 60s onwards - a BSE-style scandal for the non-breast feeding generation.

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