The Last Voyage of the SS Liverpool

Posted by RAWK Editor on May 15, 2010, 07:39:19 PM

The following is reproduced courtesy of manifest:

The great ship SS Liverpool, the finest ship ever built, ploughs through the ocean and people are dancing on deck while the orchestra is playing "Sack Rafa", followed by the ol' fave " Where did our form go".

A looming iceberg is seen in the distance, closing fast, with all the dark certainty of a bankruptcy, a mountain of debt below the surface. A group of people who have seen the iceberg coming, run through the ship shouting SOS to anyone who will listen, but their cries cannot be heard above the orchestra and the revelry.

They run to the bridge to find Captain Benitez vainly trying to steer the ship with his hands tied behind his back, spinning the ships wheel hopelessly from right to left and back again. Unfortunately, the owners of the ship, H&G lines, had sold the rudder to repay the money they borrowed to buy the ship. They thought it wouldn't matter, believing, correctly, that if the ship went in a straight line it would be cheaper anyway, something the bankers all thought was brilliant at the time.     

From the bridge Captain Benitez tries to speak through the ships Com to warn the passengers, but the Sun in the Sky catches a Mirror and interferes with the Telegraph and all the passengers hear is something about a Spanish waiter. Mail would clearly only waste everyone's time. The dancing continues to the tune of "fuck off, la", while passengers discuss in earnest the inability of the violin player on the top right to be able to maintain possession of the tune.

The people on the bridge run to send the alarm, still screaming SOS, pointing at the iceberg and at the people who are seen climbing into a lifeboat......but they are dismissed as mad loonies who are spoiling the fun, and the passengers lock them in the "Cassandra Room" so they wouldn't have to listen to their 'bullshit' anymore.

Through the porthole, they see that the owners have launched and are already safe in their lifeboat, Lords Parry and Moores tucked in the boat alongside them. The son of the owner shouts a farewell "Fuck You" and resumes sipping his champagne from a safe distance in his lifeboat across the ocean.

The good ship Liverpool groans as it hits the iceberg. There are no other lifeboats; H&G lines sold them off in advance to cover the interest on the loans they took to buy the ship in the first place.

Once the passengers realise they are doomed, they lynch Captain Benitez for having spent so much on the orchestra players, and who had summarily failed to stop the iceberg with their violins and cellos.

The owners in their lifeboat sit back to enjoy the movie, sipping champagne from their SS Liverpool mugs, which will now be worth a fortune on ebay.

A few months later, the owners of H&G lines, having collected the insurance, gather to reminisce on their great adventure:

"A good days hunting George."
"Yes Tom, a good days hunting."

What "reasons" are there left to not join SOS?

Join, or we all go down with the club.

Image by Rossipersempre and the summer campaign thread.

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