Wigan's Post Plop Flush - Another Dave Whelan Exclusive

Posted by Harinder on March 5, 2013, 11:14:20 AM

Once again we were lucky enough to catch up with big mouth Dave and his thoughts on the game. Deemed too good for Shreeves and Sky Sports and not upto the scratch for Match of the Day, there was only one real home for it  ;)

Hi Dave, Betty Beetshoo again.

What do you think caused you to get such a spanking?

“Right let’s get one thing clear Betty, it wasn’t a spanking. It was more a light tickling with a feather duster. With money the way it is, Bobby has to double up as my office cleaner. He knows how to get his tickling stick and can of Mr Sheen into the tightest of places. And the French maid’s outfit he wears when he’s doing it is just a precaution to stop him getting Brasso on his River Island three piece. He was polishing my desk, he slipped and his duster banged against me, that was all. The fact that it was on my naked buttocks while I was bent over the desk is neither here nor there.

And what about the loss to Liverpool?

The joke is actually on you lot. My great friend Mr Ferguson phoned me up and asked me to let that buck toothed biter of yours score a few. He said to me “We’ll try and get him to 40 goals for the season. Even then he still won’t win the Premier Primate Of The Year – that’ll go to young Gareth. Once he gets snubbed by the players, he’ll bugger off to Germany with that Pup Gondolier.” The only thing that I was pleased with was none of my players got close enough to Suarez that he could dive and pretend they’d tripped him up.

Is there any pie or "perrh" that can help in these situations?

There’s nothing savoury that helps, but I always think a good dessert pie helps ease the pain a little bit. And with my track record of selling my best players to Mr Ferguson for years now and making sure I do as I’m told by him, I’ve become known as a Manchester Tart myself.

Suarez scored a hat-trick. Does this mean you'll pay for Arouna Kone to sort his hair out?

Ice Cream Kone really needs to sort that bloody barnet of his out doesn’t he? I think the Domestos he’s used to bleach it has got in his eyes, judging by the bloody sitter he missed the other day. Mind you, he does look a lot like that Sisqo now. I’d love to see him in a thong. Rubbing sun tan oil on Bobby.

You had players fighting each other. Did Roberto get a bit of slapping from you too as well as the one he got from Brendan and the lads?

That wasn’t really a fight though was it when James Arthur pushed Beyonce, it was more of a lover's tiff. Beyonce said he was Crazy In Love with James's Phantom Of The Opera look, and James said it would be Impossible to kiss him in the showers. As for Bobby, I gave him a good hard tongue lashing all night long on Saturday. He won’t get players to try and score again when Mr Ferguson has told us to lose, and that’s a fact.

Finally, once the dust settles, what will your boys do to get over this defeat?

The dust never settles with Bobby and his magic duster about, don’t you worry about that! As for the players, they’ll probably do the same as always. Sleep soundly on their feather beds stuffed with cash as though they haven’t got a care in the world. I love the way they pretend not to be upset so I won’t worry about them.

Thanks again Dave, over and out from Betty Beetshoo and, just like we thought, Brendan Rodgers' Liverpool did

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