And more shock transfer news by BobK

Posted by Rushian on June 5, 2001, 03:18:34 PM

It was confirmed today that Liverpool have not signed anyone. It was also confirmed that no-one has left the club.

Sources very close to the club (ie in the Albert) confirmed between spillages that Sol Campbell had not been offered ownership of Anfield plus 110% of gross broadcasting income to provide central defensive cover for Stephane Henchoz.

The same source, who did not want to be identified as he'd promised his Doris he'd be home for tea five hours ag,) also revealed that the transfer of Lizzie Razoo from Bayern Munich had not been completed.

Amongst other players not to have been signed are Sergio Conceicao, Gus Poyet, Michael Ball, Gareth Southgate, Chris Kirkland, and Oliver Khan. Christian Ziege has not signed for Spurs or Fulham, but this is largely attributed to the fact that he can't be bothered.

Sports editors of leading newspapers and websites issued a collective statement through their lawyers saying they were "stunned" by the astonishing news which had caught them all "on the hop." (The original release in fact said "on the hops" but that was thought to be a typo.)

All media everywhere had been carrying stories confirming the transfers of each these players. The source of their misinformation was later revealed. It transpired that they had all accidently hacked into the computer of seven-year-old Nigel Pustulence of Sidcup, who has been playing Championship Manager non-stop since he was three weeks old.

In a separate development, the entire staff of the Liverpool FC ticket office have been transfered to AFC Ajax. A press release said the transfer took place "on a Bosnian." This was thought to be a typo for "Bosman" but it was later clarified that it was a tastless analogy for their lack of organisational efficiency, functionality and for their culture of corruption.

The ticket office staff made their debut with a stunning performance in which they announced that all tickets for the Amsterdam Tournament in July are sold out, despite the fact that they aren't. It was a solid, characteristically defensive show which, as ever, foiled all attempts by Liverpool fans to get within sight of goal.

© Bob Kurac 2001

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