RAWK Preview: Liverpool FC vs Manchester United (Sun 1st Sept, 1.30pm)
Posted by Harinder on August 26, 2013, 12:50:22 AM
“Err Hullo, Deevid? Ish ShurrAliksh here. How err you boy?”
“Ohhhch, Am fine Mishtur Fergeeeshon. How err the wifenkidsh?”
“<hearty laugh by Alex>. I’ve a toldeeya before Deevid, itsh Shurr. Don’t you be forgettin laddeh”
“Sorry ShurrAliskh, cannae still have a job like?”
“Nooh. Now pish off back teh Everrhunn”
“Sorry ShurrAliskh, cannae pleeze?”
“Sorry ShurrAliskh, cannae pleeze? Al bring Baines and Furlayneh?”
“I want eh Spanish player”
“ohkeh borsh, al bring Jageeyelka. He sounds Spanish”
“Hullo? Hullo? Aliksh?”
At Fergie’s home, David camps outside. The large black gates impose themselves upon him similar to those that his neighbours have at Liverpool
“ah bloodeh black gatesh again. I cannae win against em”
As the rain lashes against his rough and disheveled face, David wonders where it’s all gone wrong. He had it. He had it all. Money, fame, a privilege in a city that no other had. A privilege that he alone held that esteemed title of being a boss for 10 years and being a winner without ever winning anything. Trophies followed him. Yes. Trophies followed him.
He didn’t need trophies to be a winner. He needed Alex.
<loud buzz of intercom>
“Ish dat Catheh?”
“Who is this!?, Issat you Deevid? AGAIN!!!”
“Yuss, Yuss its shmee. Help me. Pleeze.”
Well we all know what happened next. As Mr Ferguson looked up from his TV and turned down the volume, Grease was still playing in background and David again began daydreaming. He loved that Travolta. Even after the whole Xenu and Zebedee stuff came out....Oh Moyeseee bayyyybeee
Can’t you see
When Everton is done (horn horn horn horn horn)
You’ll get a call
Crawl up his arse
There’s nothing shameful my son
In heaven forever
He’ll shit and you’ll wonder whyee whyee whyee whyee whhhy
You left them
“Ach, sign here shonny. It’ll be okeh in tha mornin’ (hic)”
Now Moyesy’s all flash. 2 matches. 2 victories. A platter for Hibbert’s fish (don’t tell him it’s the charity shield, ‘tis all about the fish). He doesn’t count the friendlies because they had losses in them and he’s managed to get the yernited fan base to swallow the Swansea victory as well as beating Championship Wigan. When you look at the parts on paper you do begin to question how anything happens for Manchester United?
What do United have in the locker?
Robin Van Persil. All non bio too. He gets goals like only we know how and with a defence that seems to like clean sheets right now, Persil might leave stains instead of getting rid of them. Behind this things have changed. The metronome like nature of Scholes has gone for good with no chance of a third coming and Giggs is not in his pomp or knowingly in another brother’s missus. Carrick is lauded and jeered in equal measure so that leaves Valencia and Cleverley. Valencia with pace was a horrid task to contend with at the best of times and Enrique felt that a few times in previous encounters.
Then we get the defence. Rio and Vidic in the middle, Evra and Jones to the sides. We should have a field day you say but we don’t. We’ve come close and left without cigars for many reasons but one of them has got to have been a lack of belief. In the last 2 seasons when we’ve been to Old Trafford I’ve seen the same first half performance from that same god forsaken wretched position in their annoyingly polished stadium. We don’t get to grips with the task at hand til the second half and usually by then it’s too little too late. In contrast for the home games it’s been a bit different. In Evra gate we had them but they pulled one back. In Shelvey gate they got off the hook due to some contentious decisions.
Well Skeletor’s gone and he ain’t got a chance of capturing the Sorceress now. Should we hate them? Should we admire them? Just respect the achievement and move on. Banter and mickey taking aside when all is said and done Moyes is something to laugh at. We can dine out on that one for many years to come
Well before us Utd played Chelsea. What the owl faced idiot saw as an “outstanding” match, I saw as a view of what to expect. Moyes would be ecstatic with a draw. In fact he’ll have a dvd of it released in time for Christmas. With that in mind I wouldn’t be surprised at a similar team turning up at Anfield. Only difference being if Rooney is on the train to the Bridge that he’ll probably opt for Ashley Young. No matter which defender he goes for I feel Kolo will eat one for lunch and take another home for his tea.
Now if Hodgson was watching our match against Notts County in the first half he’ll probably say there wasn’t enough variation and the “wong bwall” wasn’t used. Oh and no “tactikell ‘oofin’”. He’d be very disappointed with this passing game and all this movement. What a catastrophe for the Premiership! Sadly Mr Ferguson will text Moyesy and tell him to get the high crosses in
If he saw the second half he'd realise we do things the hard way and with 10 men
Now all pray for Kolo
Enough of Hodgson and the bug eyed bear.
We’re not devoid of brilliance nor are we lacking man for man. If anything we’ve had more belief post that Old Trafford day out and we’ve improved considerably. Even without the tiger and his teeth we’ve shown a bite that gets us excited. We know our own weakness in the back and the fortitude to overcome is just as Sturridge stated – together. For the first time in a while we’ve seen a squad that has come together to be a team. It’s a sight to behold. Kolo doing what he does best, our captain and Lucas acting with poise and we then we have a lovely little number 10. He hasn’t got a funny youtube vid like Aspas mind you but then he’s got plenty about his magic. Carrick will be so tired from watching them that he won’t know what he’s tracking.
As for Sturridge. Well, His name is Rio and he’s going to get spanked. Just watch Nemanja when Daniel dances past his arse.
Against Stoke the opening of the defence was simple. Big boys were split open. Heaven forbid! Laying siege at their goal will leave us vulnerable and they’ll counter and they’ll get to Persil and he’ll hopefully get Kolo’d. To coin the oh so used phrase from last season of “I’m writing this before blah game…” so we won’t know any ins and out at the time of writing. Much like the last time I wrote a preview before a window closed (we were going to play Man City), The drama of deadline day will have come and gone and the whispers/dodgy tweets and concocted links will be long forgotten just like the chip paper from Oldham.
We don’t even mention the Oldham match nowadays yet alone recall the performance. We most definitely don’t revisit the shitty tweets or the ITK’s who DKS and then PMS to the TITs.
For those that need it that’s I
hit and well we all know tits
Last season I did previews with Mascot Wars. This season I'm upping the ante. Doc Wars, the stethoscope strikes back. With Dr Zaf Iqbal gaining a cult status of sorts with those player medical photos I'd thought we ought to take a look if its worse elsewhere. If Moyesy is Gollum then just who will this fella be?
I give you Dr Rob Swire
When this day is done and the cup runneth over on here in the shadows of victory or defeat (we’ll make a draw either depending on mood) just remember the man whose shadow we longed to bask in. As a lovely sweatshirt donned by our very own 24/7 says “He made the people happy”. Don’t turn his centenary into a need for transfer deadline day news. Jim White isn’t even fit to lace this man’s boots let alone be a part of the celebration of his great legacy. Let it be my friends. Let. It. Be. Please note that RAWK will mute anyone posting just a formation in a Preview thread until the day after the match is over. This is to improve the quality of preview replies. Formations posted alongside rational comments and debate are exempt. Thanks, RAWK.
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